coping with substance

abuse in your family?

substance abuse in your family > adults > boundaries

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND YOUR FAMILY

Each one of us feels pulled towards and away from our families. People who have grown up with a parent with a drug or alcohol problem are likely to feel this pull particularly intense. You want to be there to protect and support. You want to be away to avoid the chaos and define yourself in your new, healthier life.

Defining the boundaries that exist between you and your parents may be difficult. You might want to realistically assess such issues as:

To what extent can you depend on your family for emotional support? Financial support?

How do your parents respond when you are going through challenging times?

Does your family support the goals you set for yourself?

Are your family’s expectations about your future role in the family reasonable?

How dependent are your family members on you?

Maybe your relationship with your family will improve with distance. Your family make begin to take a genuine interest in your career, family choices and activities. Maybe your family stops leaning on you as heavily and gives you the space to enjoy life.

On the other hand, separating from your family might provide you with the time and space to become more aware of dynamics that are problematic:

Your parents may always be critical of your friends, boyfriends or girlfriends.

Your family may expect you to come home every time there is a crisis, even if these trips interfere with your work.

Your parent may promise to seek treatment if you live at home, but then, without fail, drop out of every treatment program available.

Be realistic about what you can expect from your family, and establish some limits to help guide your interactions with them. If your father promises to drive you to a job interview, but he isn’t very reliable, make back-up plans. If your parents embarrass you with their drunken behavior when other people are around, don’t invite friends or colleagues home. If your mother uses your money to buy her prescription pills, keep your earnings to yourself. But be flexible – your expectations and boundaries are allowed to shift over time.