Many adult children of substance abusers are attracted to people who have problems and need help, including people with drug or alcohol problems. Maybe you are trying to compensate for the fact that you were not able to stop your parent from using when you were younger. Or helping others allows you to avoid your own problems. Or perhaps you feel most comfortable and familiar when dealing with crises and difficulties.

To break this pattern, you need to start doing things differently. Take a look at the relationships that you have had in your life with friends, boyfriends or girlfriends. Think about why you chose these people and how each relationship developed. What role did you play in each relationship? How did it make you feel? It’s important to recognize that other people’s problems do not need to be yours. You can be compassionate toward them without getting caught up in their life dramas.

As you begin to develop new relationships, ask yourself, "What is this relationship offering me? What are my needs?" You have many things to offer besides your problem-solving skills. But if you always choose people who you think need your help, then you will never have the opportunity to have your needs met. As you go forward, you must selectively choose relationships where you have something that connects you, other than your inclination to help.

Even if you are now more aware of what should be expected in a healthy relationship, you may still be struggling with how to achieve it. Knowing, for example, that it is important to express your needs is a lot easier than actually putting this knowledge into action. For many adult children of substance abusers, the habit of putting other people’s needs first is difficult to overcome. As with many other traits carried over from childhood, change takes time. Use the healthy relationships you have had in the past as models. Think about what made these relationships work:

marriage, partnerships and parenting
Many adult children of substance abusers are attracted to and form committed relationships with people who are themselves problem drinkers or drug users. Even if you witnessed trouble caused by substance abuse within your parents’ relationship, you may still find yourself repeating some of the same patterns with your own partners. People behave in ways that are most familiar, even when they know that these behaviors are unhealthy.

The same holds true for your own parenting skills. If you decide to have children, you may find yourself repeating some of the same dysfunctional behaviors that you saw in your own home.