BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS

A child who comes to you from a substance abusing parent is almost certain to be a child in crisis. And this means that things are bound to be rough for a little while. Even though your home may be safe and more comfortable than where the child lived before, that child, unless it is a newborn, is faced with transition and perhaps a very deep sense of loss.

While some teenagers and older children will be able to attach words to their feelings, most children and young people will show their feelings through behavior. Tantrums, rudeness, disobedience and silence might all be ways to say things like "If I am bad, will you leave me too?" or "When I lived with my mom, I was in charge. How come I have to start listening to you now?"

As the primary caregiver, part of your job is to help the child make the transition into your home. It may not always be easy, but below are a few suggestions about ways to handle kids’ difficult behaviors when they first arrive:

1. Try to give the child words to attach to feelings. For example, when a five-year old is having a tantrum because you won’t give him ice cream before dinner, instead of just saying "Stop it, right now", you might try "You sound like you're feeling pretty angry right now." Repeated enough, this same five year old might be able to say in the future "Aargh – I’m so angry" instead of throwing another tantrum.

2. Offer the child opportunities to talk about what has happened in the past. You can show your openness to conversation by asking general questions, not interrupting, and listening when the child talks. You might also want to consider a professional counselor, or attending a support group for children.

3. Praise good behavior. Any type of good behavior – following rules, playing well, sharing, helping – should be noted and praised. Although it may sound like common sense, most of us do just the opposite – we don’t want to "rock the boat" when things are going well, but we speak up when things go badly. Remember, too, that a child may be doing things that seem ordinary for a child of his or her age, but are new accomplishments for a child coming from a substance abusing home. At first, you may have to look hard for things to praise, but look for effort as well as accomplishment, like, "Good for you for working on your homework" may in time lead to "Wow! An "A" on your homework. Great job!"

4. Set clear consequences for behavior that breaks family rules. If a child hits, lies, steals, or threatens others, it’s crucial that a swift, fair consequence be meted out. There are no instant cures, but "time-outs" or loss of privileges tend to work well in the long run. Spanking, other physical discipline, shouting, or crying tend to work poorly and create future problems.

5. Decide what you can ignore. There is plenty of behavior in children and teens which is merely irritating but nothing more. If you learn to ignore the minor (such as bickering between children, or less than ideal table manners), you can save your energy and moral authority for the most important issues, like honesty and responsibility. Only you can decide what’s on your "rule" list and what’s on your "ignore" list, but it does help to choose your battles.

6. Be patient. New habits and behaviors don’t appear overnight, but they can be learned. Anticipate that behavior changes will take place over several months, rather than just a few days or weeks.

7. Regularly reassure children that you love them and will protect them, and not abandon them.

Behavior problems related to parental substance abuse
Children's age and developmental stage will help determine the kinds of behavior problems you will face, as well as the duration and severity of parental addiction.

Check out the following:

•     Infancy

•     Childhood

•     Adolescence