coping with substance

abuse in your family?

substance abuse in your family > caregivers > your own feelings > other family members' feelings

DEALING WITH OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS' FEELINGS

Your own mixed emotions about kinship care giving and parental substance abuse are just one piece of the puzzle. If you are like many caregivers, you also must deal with the anger, jealousy and frustration of other family members.

Your other children may complain of favoritism, or ask you just what they need to do to get your attention. They may yell that it isn’t fair, that you are never available to help them. They may even say that they are comfortable with the situation, but their children – your grandchildren – are really suffering in silence from your lack of attention. Or, your other children might act out passive aggressively, and simply not come through on promises when you have counted on their help.

Adult children may not be the only ones complaining, either. Your spouse, or other close family members may tell you so directly, or act angry or hurt because they feel pushed aside and ignored.

What you can do:

When being yelled at by a family member, try to avoid feeling attacked. Take a deep breath and count to 10 before responding. Remember, this anger and jealousy is your child, spouse, or other relative’s way of saying "I love you and I still need you."
When you are being told directly that you are favoring the "problem" sibling, you might try saying something like, "You’re right, it’s not fair. I don’t like it either. But this is a decision that I’ve made and I’d like to see how we can work together on this."
Try to move away from a complaining mode and into problem-solving. For example, you might want to ask the person who is angry or jealous about which situations are hardest for them, and what might be done to make them less difficult. Maybe your daughter wants to feel that when she visits she can have some of your undivided attention, and you can figure out a way to give her at least one hour of time. It often helps to focus on a "process" rather than on the rawness of feelings and emotions.

Preserving your marriage
If you have a spouse or partner, you may find your relationship is suffering from the stresses that surround you. You may find, for example:

You and your spouse have little time now to enjoy each other
The two of you may disagree on house rules about child behavior, or about how to handle misbehavior
You may disagree or argue over how to handle relations with the child's substance abusing parent
You may even disagree about whether you should be caring for the child in your home, or whether it's just too much

These types of stresses are common, and can wear away at your marriage. Try to keep in mind that they are not the result of a bad marriage. They're not your fault, and not your spouse's fault either. Rather, these stresses are a response to the very real challenges that have come into your life - your life together. Remember that you're a team first, and hope to still be a team when the kids are all grown and gone. Even today, with all the challenges, you can find ways to help and support each other.

There are ways to nurture your marriage, and help keep it a strength for you, despite all the stresses. Try to set aside regular time just to be together, without any children or household work. When you have a disagreement, try to find a quiet time to talk it out privately, listening to each other and sharing ideas. If you find helpful materials, share them with your spouse, and talk over what might help in your family. Find ways to share the work load, and to appreciate and support each other's contributions.

Above all, keep remembering: This is a hard situation, which we didn't cause. If we make mistakes, we can try a new way. We can be a source of support to each other. It's not always easy, but it's worth the effort. This is a time when you need each other. It is a time, as much as possible, to trust, to forgive, and to give each other your best.