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substance abuse in your family > caregivers > coping with your own feelings > preparing for reunification

PREPARING FOR REUNIFICATION

For some families, the day will come when reunification is not only a distant possibility, but a reality. While you may feel happy and proud that this has finally come to pass, you may also feel anxious and scared.

While you may have every hope, and even expectation, that everything will go well, it can be a good idea to talk with your children beforehand to let them know that you will always be there, and that they should let you know if things are not going well. For example, you might say something like:

"I'm sure things will go well, and I know your mom/dad is really excited about having you back with him/her. Remember, I'm always here for you, whether things go right or wrong. I’d like to know when you get a good grade on a science test or make it through a really hard book or score a homerun in Little League. I'm also here if there is a problem, like your mom doesn’t come home one night, or there is no food at home, or if you think mom or dad has started using again. I want to make sure you are safe and have all the love and support you need."

It is a good idea during these talks to spell out some of the warning signs to the child, and to invite the child to share both positives and negatives. To make it simplest, make sure the child knows how to call you collect.

In addition to wallowing in the newfound quiet and missing the loving chaos of children, if you live nearby the bio-parent and the child, you will probably want to check up frequently at the beginning to watch for signs of relapse. Over time, you will develop trust in the new arrangement, and will become less vigilant.

If you are not so lucky as to live nearby, it will probably take a lot longer for your anxiety to decrease. If it's at all possible, try the following:

Have a gradual transition period where both you and the children go to the parent’s at the beginning.
Familiarize yourself with services available near the child’s new home, so that if there is a crisis, you have on hand at least one place to call.
Make a connection with any social service agency that will be working with the bio-parent and the children. You might offer up your availability as someone who knows the family’s history intimately and can provide support in a crisis.
Suggest to the parent that the kids get involved as soon as possible with some positive extracurricular activities, such as a youth program, a church group, or even a support program such as Alateen.
Write a letter to the child’s new school letting them know that until recently, the child was living with you in a different community and that you want the child to get all the support he or she might need. Let them know that you can be reached for information, or assistance in the case of an emergency. For example, you might write something such as:

Susan has been living with me since she was a baby, but now she's moving back in with her mother. Though Susan has been very excited about this transition, it is a major step, and I hope she will have the support she needs to do this successfully. Susan did quite well in school here in YOUR TOWN and she is looking forward to meeting her new classmates and teachers. If there is anything that you might need, or like to talk to me about, I can be reached at YOUR PHONE NUMBER.