WHAT TO TELL CHILDREN OF SUBSTANCE ABUSERS

While it is important to talk about substance abuse with all children, it is especially critical for children of substance abusers.

One of the most important things you need to share with the children in your care is the nature of addiction. Why people start using drugs, and how they move from experimentation to more frequent use, and into dependency and addiction. How drugs can make people do things they would not normally do – like hurt their children, or leave them alone for days. You should explain that drugs make people who are dependent on them put getting and using drugs (or alcohol) ahead of everything else, even their children.  This prioritization is not the parent’s choice, however, but the drug's effects on the body and the mind.

An important part of understanding addiction is knowing about recovery, and relapse. That people do recover from drug and alcohol addiction, but that it is really hard work that often requires professional assistance. And that sometimes substance abusers who have been clean – even for a long time – will relapse. This does not mean that the substance abuser has failed, or that he or she will never be clean again. It does mean, however, that the treatment "plan" must be adjusted. (Think about any dieting experiences you may have had in the past. Chances are, if you ever tried to diet, you did okay for a while and lost some weight. But if you are like most people, you went off the diet, and gained some, or even all of the weight back. This back-slipping does not mean that you will never shed those pounds, but it does mean you may need to switch diets, or go back with a renewed effort.)  Like dieting, recovery and abstinence are life-long prospects that require a tremendous amount of energy.

Perhaps the most important ideas to share with a child of a substance abuser are known as the three C’s –

• Children cannot cause their parent’s alcohol or drug problem – the problem would be there even if the child had never been born

• Children cannot control their parent’s alcohol or drug problem – behaving perfectly, getting straight A's in school, and throwing out a parent’s liquor or drug supply will do nothing to halt the substance abuse

• Children cannot cure their parent’s alcohol or drug problem – Children are not addictions professionals, and should not be expected to solve their parent’s problem.

However, children can cope with their parent’s problem, and usually have demonstrated considerable strength over time in dealing with the situation. As a caregiver, you can help a child identify his or her own personal resiliency that has helped carry her through difficult times. Does she use humor? Does she express her feelings in a journal, or in art projects? Is she able to build strong relationships with other adults she encounters?

As you talk with your child about substance abuse and parental substance abuse, you will need to decide whether or not you want to discuss your own history with drugs or alcohol. Some caregivers believe that admitting to past use, and current recovery status gives them more credibility. Others think that owning up to their past might make their children say "Yeah, you did it all, and you’re fine now. Why can’t I?" You will need to explore these issues on a personal level and make a decision that works for you. However, you should keep in mind that many experts have said that it is not harmful to admit to past use, but that these experiences can be tempered with warnings about how the actual composition of drugs has changed over time, as well as how the drug use impacted the caregiver’s life.

Other key concepts to share with children of substance abusers include:

• A child can still love a parent who is a substance abuser

• Just because a parent uses alcohol or drugs does not mean the child is unlovable

• Many children have parents who are substance abusers, and they grow up to be strong, healthy and happy adults

• Children of substance abusers are at especially high risk for their own substance abuse. Their bodies respond differently to alcohol and other drugs than the bodies of their friends.

Talking about risk
As you begin to discuss risk, you may need to explain this concept a little. Risk means that something is more likely to happen, but not that it definitely will. With this understanding in hand, children can be told about the different aspects of addiction – the psychological, the physical, and the social. Adolescents can be told that substance abuse often runs in families, and that if they do drink or use drugs, they stand a greater chance of developing a problem than someone who does not come from the same kind of family background. Explain to them that the safest choice for them is to not use drugs at all.

You might work with your child to develop a list of reasons not to drink or use drugs, before it is actually a possibility. Be sure not to exaggerate the consequences of drug use because you will lose credibility with the child. In addition to a list of why not to use, you can develop together a list of what to say or do when drugs or alcohol are offered. A child might want to say something forthright like "My mom had a drinking problem, and I really don’t even want to go down that road," or something more protective like "I have a doctor’s appointment in a few days, and I don’t want anything to show up on any tests." It doesn’t matter what is said, as long as the child feels safe, and unpressured.