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substance abuse in your family > caregivers > dealing with the substance abusing parent > violence

MANAGING THREATS OF VIOLENCE

One of the most important house rules when dealing with an active substance abuser is "no violence or threats of violence." However, sometimes a substance abuser will make requests that you refuse - such as asking for money, or wanting to take the children away for the weekend - and the argument can escalate into something much more serious.

When you are threatened, it is very important to try to defuse the situation as much as possible. Some techniques people use to de-escalate volatile situations are to:

Remain as calm as possible. The substance abuser probably won't respond rationally

Don't attempt to have a real conversation. A person who is intoxicated may not even be able to follow such a discussion, or remember it later

Be on the lookout for signs of increasing violence, and respond accordingly

Use a gentle, caring tone of voice

Avoid criticizing, making accusations, or name calling

If it is not likely that your efforts to defuse the situation will work, call the police immediately for help. One way to handle something that is turning into a bigger "scene" is to say calmly but firmly:

"You're clearly upset. I know you care about me and your children, and you don't really want to hurt us. I don't have the money to give you now. If that's all you want now, maybe you should leave and find someone else who can help you. If you don't leave now, I'm going to have to call the police. You know these are the house rules, and we have talked about this before."

If you don't have a phone, or help is far away, give up whatever is requested as long as everyone can be kept safe. To avoid feeling like a pushover, you might say something like:

"I'll give you the money now. But this CANNOT happen again. We need to discuss this tomorrow morning when you are not high. If you don't come back tomorrow morning sober, I will have to call the police and report this as a robbery. But here is the money and I want you to leave now."

Make sure everyone in your household knows how to call the police, ambulance, or fire department in an emergency. Check with your local emergency services about how to teach this information to small children. It is possible to teach this information without frightening the child. Practice not-too-scary situations so children can be comfortable making a call. If the child is too young to read, you might attach stickers to the numbers on the phone and make up a song to help the child remember, such as "red, yellow, yellow, call the helpful fellow" (for 911 emergency services) or "tough spot, green dot" (zero, for the operator.) You can also cut out pictures of a police car, ambulance, and fire truck and tape it next to pre-programmed numbers if your phone has programmable buttons.

Safety measures