ISSUES WITH CAREGIVERS

If your child is living with a relative (often a parent or sibling) or family friend, then you have a relationship with them that stretches from your past and into your future.  Even if you are grateful that they are caring for your child, you may have had problems with the caregiver(s) in the past that can play themselves out in the here and now. 

It may be helpful to write down all the feelings you have about your relationship with the caregiver(s) on a piece of paper.  On another piece of paper, write down all the feelings you have about your child living with the caregiver(s).  Now look at the two pieces of paper.  There may be some things about your past relationship with the caregiver(s) (on the first page) that are directly connected with your feelings about your child living with that person.  There are probably also some things on the first page that don’t have anything to do with the things you wrote on the second page. 

The point of this exercise is to help you begin to separate out your past relationship with the caregiver(s) from the present situation of your child being in their care.  Whatever feelings and problems you may have from the past, it is best to try to keep them separate from the caregiving situation.  Of course, this is easier said than done, but below are some guidelines to help you along the way.

Give credit where credit is due

Whatever your past relationship is with your children’s caregiver, they have stepped up to the plate and taken on the responsibility of caring for your child.  Let them know that you appreciate their sacrifices in whatever ways you can.  Say thank you.  Let them know you accept responsibility for your addiction and that you appreciate them caring for your child while you sort things out and work on your recovery.  Ask how you can help them out.  And then follow through when they take you up on your offer and ask you to do something, as long as it doesn’t put your recovery at risk.  Showing your appreciation and willingness to work with the caregiver can go a long way toward mending your relationship with the caregiver and setting the groundwork for your future relationship with your child.

Respect the caregiver's rules and decisions

No matter how you feel about your child living with the caregiver, you need to respect the caregiver’s rules and decisions about your child.  The caregiver has taken on the huge responsibility of your child, and they deserve your support and respect.  Children are very loyal to their parents, even if the parent has abused or neglected them.   Children often defend their parent’s actions to the caregiver, and that can be frustrating and hurtful to the caregiver, who is sacrificing a lot in order to care for your child.  When children get different messages from parents and caregivers it sets everyone up for problems and frustration. So it’s best to support the caregiver by following their rules and encouraging your child to follow their rules, too. 

 If you disagree with some of the caregiver’s rules or decisions, you might try to talk with the caregiver about your concerns at a time that you set in advance, and when the child is not around to overhear the conversation.  If it is hard for you and caregiver to talk without arguing or without either of you feeling unsafe, it might be helpful to have a trusted family friend or a counselor help you work through the issue.

As you move toward taking back the reigns

If you are working toward getting ready to live with your children again, then you and the caregiver will need to work through how to “hand over the reigns” during the in-between stages of this process.