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VISITS WITH CHILDREN

Visits with your child are extremely important for everyone involved—you, your child, the caregiver, and the caregiving family. Visits are a chance for parents and children to maintain or build a bond, to practice parenting skills, to learn how to handle problems or difficulties, and to get ready for living together as a family (if that is your goal).

Common feelings about visits

But many parents say that visits can be awkward or sad. It can be hard to realize that your child has become very attached to the caregiver, or that your child doesn’t respond to you as the authority figure any more. Many parents say it is difficult missing out on their children’s everyday lives. And depending on who attends and/or supervises a visit, it can be nerve-racking to have your time with your child watched by another adult.

Visits can be awkward for your child, too. Even though children are usually very happy about seeing their parent, they often feel torn between their parents and caregivers. They may act out or behave strangely before, during, or after visits. Even when visits go well, children often act out their sadness about being separated from their parents after a visit in the form of acting out or moodiness. The caregiver then handles the brunt of your child’s feelings and behavior. So visits may be awkward or difficult for them too because they have come to expect difficult behavior after visits.

Guidelines for positive visits

To make the most of visits, here are some guidelines for you to follow:

Planning: Whenever possible, visits should be planned ahead of time and the date, time, location, and who will attend should be clear and understood by everyone. This gives you and the caregiver a chance to prepare for the visit, and to prepare your child for the visit as well.
Communication support: If there is too much tension between you and the caregiver to talk directly with them about visits, use another relative, a trusted family friend, or a counselor to help with communication.
Advance notice for cancellations: If you cannot make a visit, give as much advance notice as possible so that you can reschedule and so that your child and the caregiver are less likely to feel disappointed. It is always better to cancel than to just not show up. Some parents do not give advance notice that they cannot make it to a visit because they feel like they cannot face disappointing their child (or the caregiver)—but your child is going to be more disappointed (and perhaps worried and/or angry, too) if he or she expects a visit and then you don’t show up. And the caregiver has arranged the family schedule around the visit, so it’s also just more considerate to give advance notice.
Respect the rules: Talk with the caregiver in advance about their rules, and respect the caregiver’s rules during the visit. Remember that even though you are your child’s parent, the caregiver is the one taking care of your child day in and day out. They need and appreciate your support. For example, if the caregiver does not allow your child to eat a lot of sweets, don’t bring candy to the visit. If you are not sure of a rule, ask the caregiver first if it’s okay—and if not, then check your emotional reaction as much as possible and respect the rule. It is less confusing for your child if he or she sees you backing up the caregiver. For more on rules and relationships with your child’s caregiver, see <Issues with Caregivers>.
Know your child's interests: Ask the caregiver about the child’s favorite activities; things he or she has done lately; what your child is learning in school; their favorite music, TV shows, and games; what they have learned to do for themselves (like tying shoes or dressing themselves); and ask about your child’s friends. The more you know about your child, the smoother the visit will be and the more likely you will be to find topics and activities that will nurture the bond between you and your child.
Plan appropriate activities: Plan appropriate activities for your time with your child, and keep your plans small. Reading a book, helping your child ride a bike, or baking cookies together during a visit are simple activities that allow you to enjoy each other’s company, build new and positive memories, and get to know each other differently. Click <here> for a list of age-appropriate visiting activities.
Don't make promises: Don’t make promises that you may not be able to keep. Your children’s hopes hinge on your words. They do not need expensive gifts or fancy, complicated activities to feel your love. They need to feel connected with you emotionally and they need to rebuild trust by seeing you come through on the promises you make. Some parents in recovery say that they used to “buy” their children’s love and affection with expensive gifts of toys, clothing, or trips. But this is not what your children most need. They need your time and consistency.